I just started Larry Crabb's study of the Bible called, "66 Love Letters". It is only day 1 and already I am so excited about what God is already saying and revealing to me. I can't wait to know Him more deeply. I'll try to type a little something about what I read and study each day. Feel free to read my thoughts and journaling as I venture through the Bible this year.Please remember, these are just my thoughts....they are raw and not edited. I welcome and appreciate your comments.
Day 1 - Genesis 1:1-3 (The Message)
After reading these three verses in Genesis, the thing that struck me the hardest was in Genesis 3:12(b): God said to the woman, "What is this you've done?"
Now, I'm not saying that the rest of verses 1-3 weren't packed full of great things...I was just swept off of my feet by the idea....the picture of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and He walks up to Eve and asks her point blank to her face, "What is this you've done?"
That just simply blows me away.
I mean, honestly....in that moment that I read this, I imagined me being Eve and just the thought of being in God's physical presence and having to answer Him when he asks me..."Tammy, what is this you've done?"
Gulp.
My emotions overwhelm me.
Okay, maybe I wasn't actually there in the garden that day and maybe I didn't actually eat the forbidden fruit on that day....but I have a lifetime of sins that I have committed. I imagined me doing one of the ugliest sins I have ever committed in my life....that in itself is so shameful to think about. But then I imagined God walking up to me and saying, "Tammy, what have you done?" What would I say? What would I do? How would I act? Just thinking about it, I am experiencing feelings of shame, embarrassment, remorse, inadequacy....it all surfaces immediately.
Do you think that's why God confronted Eve in that manner? Did He want her to feel all of those things? Did He want her to be overwhelmed by her emotions? Was that part of His plan?
I am perplexed by this.
All of my life....as long as I can remember....I have been a person who tries to avoid confrontation as much as possible. The thought of making a person feel that ashamed or embarrassed because of their sinful actions hurts me to my core. Maybe it's because I've experienced that place - that horrible moment of being found out....exposed. It is the most shameful place I can imagine. Going there is a huge fear of mine. Because of that, I usually sin in one way or another just not to go to that place (I lie, accuse, etc.). I guess I don't like or want to confront others about something they've done wrong, because maybe I think that if they get terribly upset and explode, their reaction may be to confront me of my sins. My secrets are terribly rotten and they will reveal my ugly, sinful desires and my selfish ways and heart. I don't want to go there. Just in writing this out, it has made me sheepishly realize that do not like confronting others, not just because of hurting them, but because it may hurt me too.
Through my shame and hurt, I am currently thanking God for slowly and lovingly removing my blindfold...
In Larry Crabb's study 66LL study guide, he talks about narcissism, which is defined as "radical self-centeredness....an obsession with one's personal well-being. It is a universal moral flaw." Interestingly, he says, "No one loves, not purely, not without mixed motives."
Gulp, again.
My mind once again sends me back to Genesis 3, where I am astounded to find myself standing in the center of the Garden of Eden, looking at God square in the face...as He asks me the dreaded question I don't want to hear, "What is this you've done?"
Like a little child, I just want to curl up into fetal position, hide and cry in shame, because I know what I have done and God already knows.....I can't lie or accuse my way out of this one. And I did it all for my own satisfaction.....my own moment of glory and control.....for me to be able to say, "You're not the boss of me....I am my own boss!" As He is standing there in front of me asking this question....all I can think of now is falling to His feet and asking for His forgiveness.
The words the Lord speaks to Eve, Adam and the serpent were those of someone very angry.
I just imagine dying a thousand deaths while I look at God's face and mouth as He says to me:
"I'll multiply your pains in childbirth; you'll give birth to your babies in pain. You'll want to please your husband, but he'll lord it over you."
And THEN, having to hear and witness what He says to my husband....BECAUSE OF ME!!!
"Because you listened to your wife (ouch! this of course is my word, not God's) and ate from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from, 'Don't eat from this tree,' the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful as having babies is for your wife; you'll be working in pain all your life long. (remember: I'm still standing there, watching and listening as God pours out my husband's punishment because of my actions...!) The ground will sprout thorns and weeds, you'll get your food the hard way, planting and tilling and harvesting, sweating in the fields from dawn to dusk, until you return to that ground yourself, dead and buried; you started out as dirt, you'll end up as dirt."
I can only imagine dead silence and stillness in that moment.
It goes on to talk about Adam then naming his wife Eve, and God making them garments to wear out of skin and then God driving them out and banishing them from the Garden of Eden.
But I'm still stuck on that other part.
Was there any other discussion between God, Adam and Eve? Did Eve or Adam cry and tell God how incredibly sorry they were? Was there remorse? It doesn't talk about that in Genesis.....but if it had been me, I would've wanted to talk about all this! Now I have to leave and am banished from the Garden of Eden? Will I ever see God again? Will He ever talk to me again? Can I talk to Him? Do I even care?
What have I done?
"God, I don't want to remain blind to my self-centeredness or to excuse it as someone else's fault. And I don't want to underestimate your loving determination to make me other-centered. As best I can, I now open my mind to hear all that You're saying to me, and I open my heart to whatever You want to do in me. In Jesus' name, Amen."
(I can't wait to continue reading the rest of God's love letters...)
No comments:
Post a Comment